Some day, and that day may never come...

Australia. Blair (just off plane) enters Rupert Murdoch’s kitchen.

Tony Blair: I believe in Britain. Britain has made my fortune. And I made my living in the British fashion. I had freedom but I never wished to dishonor my family. I found a "party" - not the Conservatives. I went to the working men’s clubs. I stayed out late. Cherie didn't protest. I supported Neil Kinnock. He made me drink whiskey and tried to take advantage of me. We went to the polls against the tories. But they beat us. Like an animal. Our movement was shattered, held together by sellotape and bits of string in Peter Mandelson’s Ford Montego. I could hardly weep because of the pain. But I wept. [He breaks down at this point, and Rupert Murdoch gestures to his son, James, to get him a drink. James makes tea and spills it everywhere] Sorry... [He regains his composure and carries on] The tories had won again. We sat on the opposition benches, like fools, and those bastards, they smiled at us. Then I said to Cherie, "Look, if we’re going to get into power we must go to Rupert Murdoch."

Rupert Murdoch: Why didn't you come to me first?

Tony Blair: What do you want of me? Tell me anything, but do what I beg you to do.

Rupert Murdoch: What is that? [Tony Blair whispers his request for Dark Chocolate Hobnobs in Murdoch’s ear] That I cannot do.

Tony Blair: OK but, listen, I will give you anything you ask if you make me Prime Minister.

Rupert Murdoch: We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you ever came to me for counsel or for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though Cherie and Wendi attend the same Pilates class. But let's be frank here. You never wanted my friendship. And, uh, you were afraid to be in my debt.

Tony Blair: I didn't want to get into trouble with the rank and file.

Rupert Murdoch: I understand. You found paradise in Britain, you had a good trade as a solicitor, you made a good living, even though you got a third in your law degree. You became an MP. And you didn't need a friend like me. But, uh, now you come to me, and you say: "Rupert Murdoch, give me the keys to no. 10." But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Rupey. Instead, you come into my house on the day my colostomy bag is to be changed, and you ask me to put you in charge.

Tony Blair: Look. I just want some Rich Tea.

Rupert Murdoch: For the last time, we don’t HAVE any biscuits.

Tony Blair: Can I be Prime Minister or not?

Rupert Murdoch: Tony, Tony. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, then this scum that voted the Tories in would be suffering this very day. 

Tony Blair: Be my friend – Rupey.

[Murdoch shrugs, Blair bends over and drops his trousers.]

Rupert Murdoch: Good. Someday, and that day may never come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me. I might want a lift to the garden centre, or to declare war or something..

Tony Blair: Nice one, Rupey.

Rupert Murdoch: Whatever. [Blair leaves, and Rupert Murdoch turnes to James] Crack open them chocolate-covered ginger biscuits from Lidl. Second drawer down.